The Tingirl's...

So, the two girls who read this know that me and Chris are no longer. Hopefully this weekend I will be moving to my new apartment in Lemoyne. It's 800 a month, but it includes TV, internet, electric...everything. I really like the apartment, it's beautiful. The claw foot tub is amazing. But deep down inside...under all the faking being happy and smiling and shit....I am fucking miserable. I feel like I am going to die alone. One fiance committed suicide, and now the other one dumped me for a 17 year old girl ...over the internet. That's how much I meant to him. I ...I dunno if it's all the time I took care of him and stuck through things with him, or if it's just general heart shattering sadness, but I am extremely lonely. Not in a sense...of friends? I've actually been going out and doing things, and I love my friends to death, but in a romantic way, I am horridly lonely. I feel pretty damn hopeless. I am...damaged goods. I don't really think I'll find someone now. I don't do good being alone. At least I get to take Peanut to the new apartment. Althought I'll have one week of total silence ...the dog will stay with Chris and I will try to get my apartment set up. I hate that I still love him. I should be over him by now. I'm not usually this stupid.

Stupid stupid stupid!
>.<
I just want one minute where I don't feel worthless and like shit.

I was such a dumbass teenager.
So I googled my e-mail address looking for a site that I joined a while ago and came up on my high school live journal. I can't say part of me doesn't miss all the excitement and energy, but damn. I should be dead by now.

It's so surreal ...I just can't even put it into words. My ex-girlfriend's journal is still active, I'm thinking about leaving her a comment to see how she's doing. God we went through a lot of shit, I don't know how she put up with me.

Now I'm really confused.
Fuck.

MyHeritage: Family trees - Genealogy - Celebs - Collage - Morph

Lots has been going on lately.
As most people know I have a new job. It's nice...I'm the only one other then the IT director that gets their own office, so I consider myself lucky. The pay is fair enough to make me not regret the stockings I have to wear to work.
Otherwise I'm very tired. I've been bouncing back between extreme happy time, and the complete opposite. Lately now though it's been more of an emotional numbness that I can't escape. No matter how much I want to be angry at someone, I can't. No matter how much I want to cry sometimes, I don't. And when I want to jump up and down about my tax return, I don't even have the energy to stand up. It's very frustrating.
Otherwise things are going well. We have hot water again, which is lovely. Our 500 dollar Verizon bill has been tamed.

I'm tired. That's the overall feeling.

Five more days of working 14 hour days at two jobs...
Fuck. Me. Blind. x_X

<h3>20 Controversial Questions</h3><br><a href="http://www.surveydumpster.com" title="SurveyDumpster.com"><img src="http://www.surveydumpster.com/img/surveydumpster.gif" border=0 align='left' alt='Free Fun Surveys'></a><a href="http://www.surveydumpster.com/takesurvey.php?id=890" title="Take This Survey"><br><br><h2>TAKE THIS SURVEY!</h2></a>
<h3>Take this survey</h3>
<b>Do you have the guts take this survey?</b><br>Yus.<br>
<b>Would you do meth if it was legalized?</b><br>Meth? Prolly not...Pot...maybe.<br>
<b>Abortion: for or against it?</b><br>Doesn't matter, I don't think it's my right to judge.<br>
<b>Do you think the world would fail with a female president?</b><br>Hell no. Maybe one week out of the month. XD<br>
<b>Do you believe in the death penalty?</b><br>Yes and no. If someone kills another people...death seems like a bitter justice.<br>
<b>Do you wish marijuana would be legalized already?</b><br>Yes. Please save the economy and make people less agrresive.<br>
<b>Are you for or against premarital sex?</b><br>For...I couldn't honestly marry someone when I've never had sex with them.<br>
<b>Do you believe in God?</b><br>I believe in something, I don't believe I'm meant to know the details.<br>
<b>Do you think same sex marriage should be legalized?</b><br>Definately.<br>
<b>Do you think it's wrong that so many Hispanics are illegally moving to the country?</b><br>Hispanics aren't the only ones...I'm not for it. I can't just walktz over to Canada.<br>
<b>A twelve year old girl has a baby, should she keep it?</b><br>No. There would be serious health complications for her and prolly the baby. Again, it wouldn't be my choice though.<br>
<b>Should the alcohol age be lowered to eighteen?</b><br>Yes, if you can fight for a country, you should be able to have a beer afterwards.<br>
<b>Should the war in Iraq be called off?</b><br>I think so. I feel like my country is just a big bully.<br>
<b>Assisted suicide is illegal: do you agree?</b><br>If the person has any chance of not being mentally capeable to comprehend what they are doing, I agree. If someone is suffering day in and day out then I think they should be allowed to end their suffering comfortably.<br>
<b>Do you believe in spanking children?</b><br>Yes. Not beating, but spanking. Yes.<br>
<b>Would you burn an American flag for a million dollars?</b><br>Yes. What? o_o<br>
<b>Who do you think would be a better president: McCain or Obama?</b><br>Obama.<br>
<b>Do you think Obama will be killed?</b><br>I sure hope not.<br>
<b>Should child predators be forced to wear signs identifying themselves ?</b><br>Oooo..tough one. I think it would endanger them...but for good reason? I'm not sure! AHHH BRAIN OVERLOAD.<br>
<b>Are you afraid others will judge you from reading some of your answers?</b><br>I don't think so, mah friend are coo.<br>
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<h3>My current life in 90 questions</h3><br><a href="http://www.surveydumpster.com" title="SurveyDumpster.com"><img src="http://www.surveydumpster.com/img/surveydumpster.gif" border=0 align='left' alt='Free Fun Surveys'></a><a href="http://www.surveydumpster.com/takesurvey.php?id=113" title="Take This Survey"><br><br><h2>TAKE THIS SURVEY!</h2></a>
<h3>Take this survey</h3>
<b>1. What was the highlight of your week?</b><br>Sleeping prolly.<br>
<b>2. Whose car were you in last?</b><br>Mine.<br>
<b>3. When is the next time you will kiss someone?</b><br>Tonight at around 12:15.<br>
<b>4. What color shirt are you wearing?</b><br>Blue and black.<br>
<b>5. How long is your hair?</b><br>Shoulder length.<br>
<b>6. Are you good looking?</b><br>No.<br>
<b>7. Last movie you watched?</b><br>I don't even remember.<br>
<b>8. Who were you with?</b><br>See above.<br>
<b>9. Last thing you ate?</b><br>A nutragrain bar.<br>
<b>10. Last thing you drank?</b><br>Water.<br>
<b>11. When was the last time you had your heart broken?</b><br>April 18th 2003.<br>
<b>12. Who came over last?</b><br>No one comes over. Our house is a hellzone.<br>
<b>13. Are you happy right now?</b><br>Meh.<br>
<b>14. What did you say last?</b><br>Laughing about how my friend said 'Do your thing son of God!' When I explained a customer thought I was jesus.<br>
<b>15. Where is your phone?</b><br>In my purse.<br>
<b>16. What color are your eyes?</b><br>Blue...green when I'm really streesed or upset...I don't know how.<br>
<b>17. Are you left-handed?</b><br>No.<br>
<b>18. Spell your name without vowels:</b><br>Chrstn<br>
<b>19. Do you have any pets?</b><br>Peanut the super pup!<br>
<b>20. Favorite Vacation?</b><br>Vacation? What's a vacation?<br>
<b>21. What do you dislike currently?</b><br>Myself. Long story.<br>
<b>22. What are you listening to?</b><br>People talking non stop in the office.<br>
<b>23. If you could have one thing right now what would it be?</b><br>A pillow.<br>
<b>24. What is your favorite scent?</b><br>Cookies.<br>
<b>25. Who makes you happiest?</b><br>Chris, and my friends. It really is a tie.<br>
<b>26. What were you doing at midnight last night?</b><br>Playing on the laptop.<br>
<b>27. When is your birthday?</b><br>3/14/1986<br>
<b>28. Who has the same phone as you?</b><br>I dunno.<br>
<b>29. Last time you went swimming in a pool?</b><br>I don't remember.<br>
<b>30. Do you read your horoscope?</b><br>Sometimes.<br>
<b>31. Where was the last place you bought something?</b><br>Uhm...a chain for my necklace.<br>
<b>32. How do you feel about your hair right now?</b><br>It sucks. I need to colour it.<br>
<b>33. Do you bite your nails?</b><br>Constantly.<br>
<b>34. Do you have any expensive jewelery?</b><br>My engagement ring.<br>
<b>35. Do you have any expensive jewelery?</b><br>Double much?<br>
<b>36. Myspace or facebook?</b><br>Both. Leaning tword facebook recently.<br>
<b>37. How fast have you driven a car?</b><br>90.<br>
<b>38. Have you ever smoked?</b><br>Everyday.<br>
<b>39. What was or is your favorite subject in school?</b><br>English.<br>
<b>40. Do you have Verizon?</b><br>Yus.<br>
<b>41. What type of boy or girl do you usually fall for?</b><br>The artistic, musician with no car. XD<br>
<b>42. Do you have any hidden talents?</b><br>Eh I write and draw ok.<br>
<b>43. Favorite Song?</b><br>Don't Jump- Tokio Hotel<br>
<b>44. Do you like to sing at all?</b><br>Love to sing actually.<br>
<b>45. Dream Job?</b><br>Poet...or an English Teacher for highschool.<br>
<b>46. Where does most of your family live?</b><br>Florida.<br>
<b>47. Are you an only child or do you have siblings?</b><br>One younger brother. Pain in the ass.<br>
<b>48. Would you consider yourself to be spoiled?</b><br>Sometimes...like Christmas.<br>
<b>49. What was the first thing you thought when you woke up?</b><br>My head hurt.<br>
<b>50. Do you drink?</b><br>Can't, no pancreas.<br>
<b>51. Know any other languages?</b><br>i'm learning a few.<br>
<b>52. Ever write a coded message?</b><br>No.<br>
<b>53. Have you ever been IN a wedding?</b><br>My mother's.<br>
<b>54. Do you have any children?</b><br>No, don't plan to.<br>
<b>55. Did you take a nap today?</b><br>Psh...I got up at 9:30 drove to duncannon to pay my doctor's bill, attempted to make pancakes (Failed), cleaned the kitchen and came to work.<br>
<b>56. Who has the same birthday as you?</b><br>Albert Einstine.<br>
<b>57. Ever met anyone famous before?</b><br>I consider ben and Tina famous. They're my buds.<br>
<b>58. Do you want to be famous one day?</b><br>No. I'd go insane.<br>
<b>59. Any Pet Peeves?</b><br>Tons...mostly liars and attention whores.<br>
<b>60. Are you multitasking right now?</b><br>Nope.<br>
<b>61. Do you like Britany Spears?</b><br>Nope..<br>
<b>62. What is your least favorite chore?</b><br>Dishes.<br>
<b>63. Last place you drove your car?</b><br>Work.<br>
<b>64. Ever been out of the country?</b><br>To Mexico and Canada.<br>
<b>65. Where were you born?</b><br>Queens NY<br>
<b>66. Could you handle being in the military?</b><br>No, I'd die. Literally.<br>
<b>67. What is your average cell phone bill?</b><br>70 somethin.<br>
<b>68. Who are you thinking about right now?</b><br>I'm not, my head hurts.<br>
<b>69. When was the last time you laughed REALLY hard?</b><br>Outside with Brian, Adam, Shawn, Josh, Eric, and Jason.<br>
<b>70. How many pairs of shoes do you own?</b><br>Two.<br>
<b>71. Are your toes always painted?</b><br>No.<br>
<b>72. How many piercings do you have?</b><br>Ears.<br>
<b>73. What are you doing today?</b><br>Working..<br>
<b>74. Have you ever been gambling?</b><br>No, I'd be robbed.<br>
<b>75. When is the last time you updated your page?</b><br>I dun remember.<br>
<b>76. Do you like rollercoasters?</b><br>Love em.<br>
<b>77. Have you ever been to disneyland or world?</b><br>The Florida one, when I was little.<br>
<b>78. Do you have a favorite cartoon character?</b><br>Stewie<br>
<b>79. Last thing you cooked?</b><br>Purple blob cakes.<br>
<b>80. How's the weather?</b><br>Cold.<br>
<b>81. Do you e-mail?</b><br>Rarely.<br>
<b>82. What's the stupidest thing you ever did with your cell phone?</b><br>Ran it over with my car. On pourpose.<br>
<b>83. Last time you were sick?</b><br>I don't ever feel 100%<br>
<b>84. What states have you lived in?</b><br>Oi...Ohio, Florida, New york, New Jersey, Kansas, Virginia, and lastly PA.<br>
<b>85. Do you wish you could move?</b><br>Not really..I'm content.<br>
<b>86. Do you take all the QuizPox.com quizzes?</b><br>Huh?<br>
<b>87. What is your dream car?</b><br>A nice pretty black one that never needs maitenence, has great gas milage, and can fit in little parking spots. Aka Not my current.<br>
<b>88. Have you ever wanted someone you cant have?</b><br>...Not to sound conceded...but I've always ended up dating the people I like.<br>
<b>89. If you could be anywhere right now where would it be?</b><br>Bed.<br>
<b>90. Are you happy with your life?</b><br>Sometimes.<br>
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I don't know why! Grahh!

This was a triumph
I'm making a note here
HUGE SUCCESS
It's hard to overstate my satisfaction
Aperture Science

we do what we must because we can
for the good of all of us except for the ones who are dead
but there's no sense crying over every mistake
you just keep on trying until you run out of cake
and the science gets done and you make a neat gun
for the people who are still alive

I'm not even angry
I'm being so sincere right now
even though you broke my heart and killed me
and torn into pieces
and threw every piece into a fire
as they burned it hurt because I was so happy for you!
Now these points of data make a wonderful line
and we're out of beta, we're releasing on time
so I'm glad I got burned
Think of all the things we learned for the people that are still alive

go ahead and leave me
I think I prefer to stay inside
maybe you'll find someone else to help you
maybe black mesa
that was a joke, haha, fat chance
anyway this cake is great, it's so delicious and moist
look at me still talking, when there's science to do
when I look out there it makes me glad I'm not you
I've experiments to run, there is research to be done
on the people who are still alive

and believe me I am still alive
I'm doing science and I'm still alive
I feel FANTASTIC and I'm still alive
While you are dying I'll be still alive
and when you're dead I'll be still alive
STILL ALIVE, still alive

1. What did you do in 2008 that you'd never done before?
Spent a full week on morphine.:D

2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I wouldn't say I have new years resolutions. Just long term goals...?

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Yeah, Niki and Brian had Liam, and Ashlynn is going to have a baby.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
My grandmother. RIP <3

5. What countries did you visit?
none.

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
I dunno...closer friends. Which is starting to happen.

7. What dates from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
March 14th-27th was when I got sick and Grandmum died. :/

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Not dying.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Not gaining control of the dollars.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Yus.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Uhm...?? Heating oil?

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
I dunno...I really appreciated Brian and Niki coming to the hospital...Course I owe Reni my right side of my brain for taking me home when I was having a social anxiety meltdown.

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
A lot of people. One particular person who seriously expects me just to know what she wants me to do. Our friendship is shakey...:(

14. Where did most of your money go?
Bills, Car, Heating...

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
I honestly don't remember...

16. What song will always remind you of 2008?
Man in the Box

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder - A little sadder...
b) thinner or fatter - Thinner, amazingly.
c) richer or poorer -Dirt poorer.


18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Spend more time with my friends.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
spend

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
Me, Chris, and Grace exchanged gifts after work.

21. Who did you spend the most time on the phone with?
I don't like the phone. Prolly Mikey though.

22. Did you fall in love in 2008?
Just stayed in.

23. How many one-night stands?
None.

24. What was your favourite TV program?
Family Guy

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Yes.

26. What was the best book you read?
Prolly One Child by Torey Hayden.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Uhm..Deja vudoo and Hierosonic.

28. What did you want and get?
Our own place.

29. What did you want and not get?
Money stability.

30. What was your favourite film of this year?
I dun think I went to the movies...

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I was in the hospital.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Feeling like I actually accomplished something.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
'Laundry Basket Style.'

34. What kept you sane?
I don't think anything. XD

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Mister Depp. Still.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
Gay Marriage debate.

37. Who did you miss?
Mikey, Veronica, Melissa, and Steph.

38. Who was the best new person you met?
Prolly Niki and Reni, I think I met Brian in 2007.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008:
I dunno...don't expect what you want to come of other people?

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
This used to be our secret
Now I'm hiding here alone
Can't help but read our names on the wall
And wash them off the stone

Fuck Seasonal Defective Disorder.

<a href="http://www.ptocheia.net/quizzes/quiz.php?quiz=piss"><img src="http://www.ptocheia.net/quizzes/images/piss/stupid.jpg" alt="Stupid people piss you off."></a>
<p>*looks at the current world's population* You must have a lot of frustration then.</p>
<p><a href="http://www.ptocheia.net/quizzes/quiz.php?quiz=piss"> What pisses you off?</a> - Created by <a href="http://www.ptocheia.net">ptocheia</a></p>

    <p><b>When you were young, you wanted to be a Superhero when you grew up, but in reality, you're gonna end up as Tech Support</b></p>   
<a href="http://www.ptocheia.net/quizzes/quiz.php?quiz=growup"><img style="margin: 5px;" src="http://www.ptocheia.net/quizzes/images/growup/superhero.jpg" alt="From a  Superhero to Tech Support? Not too far off." /></a>
<p>So, once upon a time, when all of the other children were busy running around and having adventures and breaking things, you were quiet, inside, having an adventure in your own head as you pored over all those comic books. Your vision of being the next Superman or Wonder Woman wasn't just some paltry excuse to wear a cape and too much spandex (well, for the most part, at least), you genuinely wanted to help people.</p><p>And you still will. You'll be there, saving the day for those dim-witted souls who think their CD drive doubles as a cupholder. Enjoy.</p>
<p><a href="http://www.ptocheia.net/quizzes/quiz.php?quiz=growup">What you want to be when you grow up: The fantasy...and the cold hard truth.</a>, created by <a href="http://www.ptocheia.net">Ptocheia</a></p>

HAHAHAHA...wow. Truth much.

So interesting things are going on at work...
People's desks are randomly getting cleaned out. The count is up to four.
It's nerve wrecking. I know I'll never find another job at what I make.
This was all dumb luck, provided by Derek, who interviewed me and 'thought I could handle it.'
I'm a little nervous...

So what the heck has been up lately? A lot to be frank... some of it blamed on the holidays, other stuff blamed on my own hamster wheel mind. Good stuff first...Liam is coming on December 2nd! I am excited, and Niki will be able to break out of hospital prison. <33 Her and Brian. Secondly I hate my job more then ever. I've never passionately hated anything quite this much. The very thought of going into work is making me sick to my stomach. Literally. There's nothin I can do about it though, me and Chris could not ever live without my check. So i guess I'm stuck here being a phone bitch for a while. My boss is tweaking me out... Like I see him be rude to other people, right in front of my face, but he's being really nice to me. It's odd. It's unnatural...I called him tonight cause I'm really sick and wanted to go home...he told me that's fine, but if I could work through it I should so that attendance doesn't become a problem. no annoyed sighs or not picking up the phone. Which all left me in WTF land. I dunno...this job gives me a headache...

I don't feel like writing anymore. :/ Sorry folks. 

     <rant>So..I ain't doin so hot. I'm better at writing then I am at talking but right now both seem a little insane.
I can honestly say I've never felt this way before. I mean I was depressed through my teens, but I had a reason to be. Now I just feel like a fucking failure. I have Chris, who in more ways then one is prolly the only reason I'm still here. I remember the night I met him...I was planning to run, anywhere...to get away from my mother and my situation before. Drinking a bottle of vodka a night by myself and waking up with a little less emotion then I had the night before. Watching my brother and my mother throw their life away, and not realizing I was doing the same thing. The only difference was I was hurting myself, and they well...were hurting everyone else.
     On the other front I've got this wonderful guy, I mean yes he has his faults but when it comes down to it...he one amazing fucking person. I have my own place...a nice car, great friends. Then sometimes, sadly I notice that none of it matters. There's this invisible tug somewhere in the back of my mind that just wants to lash out. Steal or indulge in hallucinations provided free by my over active imagination. I'm spending money like crazy and I know I shouldn't. The urge to bruise or cut or bleed is becoming more solid then just a hallow picture of the past. Not that I would ever do anything...I'm bound to normality by pure guilt. I hate when people worry or fuss over me... I guess it might be because my mother used to pull guilt trips when I was young...I dunno. When I speak my words seem hollow even to me.
     I'm just a shell of what I used to be. Cracked and on the brink of breaking. What if it did? I mean allowing myself to do and feel as I please wouldn't get me anywhere. I don't want to go back to Chris putting peroxide over words carved into my legs. he's already dealt with me almost dying and being bed ridden like some old fuckin piece of work. What am I supposed to do...talk about it? What's that going to solve? Have some more people think I'm this weak little emo kid. Fuck that.  I dunno.
     I miss my friend Mikey. so so much...and I know that I lost his friendship. I'm not sure how but I can tell when I send a billion texts and never get them back. Might be a big part of why I'm so depressed.
    To the people who read this...just disregard. I suck. This isn't helping, but I can help but think at least getting it out resembles drawing poison from a wound. Some day I'll figure out what the fuck is going on with my head.</rant>

I can't breathe
Or perhaps just the urge to do so has left me.
My last breath damned to whisper a hallow curse.
Dancing along deaf ears,
I bring my knees into my chest
In hopes it will keep my pounding heart in place.
Denial blocks out the sounds
Of cracking ribs and snapping muscles....

If the world could stop spinning for just a moment-
Just long enough to get my eyes to stop banging against their cage,
Let my lungs have a chance to take breath without fear.
I could steady these shaken limbs.
Just long enough to brace my self for the internal destruction
Erupting hate boiling from an emotional earthquake.
I just need time to get back on my feet...
I just need time.

To realize that every end has an attachment.
A beginning, unseen or heard, unwritten.
Though promises of a blank canvas seem too good,
Like the promises of those who lead the masses
While pulling a blindfold over our eyes to their deceit.
I wish to be ignorant of pain or pleasure.
To live off the most basic need for life.
To eat, sleep, and breathe in contentment.

I fear the reflection I see in my search for the ankh
As cracked mirror falls away piece by piece,
For each self realization of imperfection.
My hands that once pointed at others
Turns to me in a childish memory of a gun.
I am paralyzed with fear because of the unknown.
Don't know if I have the strength to fight.
Don't know if I have the will to live.

Or perhaps the urge to do so has just left me. 

Another one of my friends got fired this morning.
Brian Moore. He was my buddy.
This place fucking sucks.
They just suck the fucking life out of everyone and toss out the corpse.

    Since this journal is fairly private I'm going to rant...
Because I am so sick of almost every aspect of my life.
My house
My Car
My Health
And most of all...my fucking job.
Seriously.

Fucking. Fed. Up.

I can't even rant.
Goddamn!

Have You Ever...
Have you ever seen or experienced any life altering events?	Yes, I have, there's nothing like having your hero try to strangle you to death. It just tops it all off when said person is your father.
Have you ever been scared for your life?	Ever since I found out I'm diabetic, my pancreas is slowly failing, and that my memory is failing.
Have you ever seen anyone fearful for their own life?	I don't think so...
Have you ever accomplished something you never thought you would?	Being an adult. I know it sounds silly but I still don't know how I'm surviving.
What(s)
What has been your biggest struggle in life so far?	Physical and Mental health.
What do you find to be most difficult about relationships?	Trying to convince yourself that the less then fun things are normal.
What part of yourself do you feel gives you the most strength?	I don't really know...I guess my ability to think things through.
What song can best describe your life right now?	Meds by Placebo
What song can best describe your life as a whole?	That one I don't know.
If there was a movie about your life what would the title be?	Broken Apathy.
Who(s)
Who would you want to play "you" in the movie about your life?	I have no clue...
Who is the strongest person you know?	I'd have to say my friend Steph from high school. She's gone from not being able to speak in public to working full time and going to college for video game design.
Who has been your biggest inspiration? Why?	A lot of people inspire me...Everyone has their own strength that makes me go 'man I wish I could handle things that way.
Who has made you laugh the most?	Chris, he is constantly making me laugh.
Who has made you cry the most?	My mother...I'm worried for her, and my father. It's hard to love people so much and just watch them... change and struggle.
Who will you always love?	I love my friends and family to an extent that makes people uncomfortable. So far death and even betrayal haven't even been able to erase that.
You do you hate/really, really dislike?	My father for being a drug addicted prick and then cleaning himself up for some woman and marrying her.
Who knows you inside and out?	Chris knows me best I think...
Who can best pick you up when life has pushed you down?	Everyone can, the hard part is giving anyone the chance.
When(s)
When you wish upon a shooting star, what do you wish for?	Contentment.
When do you feel that love conquer all?	When people allow it to.
When will you feel that all your dreams have come true?	A lot of them have...I have my own place, a fiance that I love very much, family, friends, a car...and I even got the dog!
Life's Quote
Write the quote that you feel best describes life:	'Death is more universal then life, everyone dies, but not everyone lives.'

That was fun.
This is for the only two people who read this journal...
I love you guys, so much. I haven't been around lately but I think aboutcha a lot. It sounds like you're both going through some pretty hard times. If you ever need to talk, call or write a message...whatever. I want to be there for you guys.

I miss you girls.
Mwah.

a. having a bad day and think it could make it worse.
b. Having a good day and don't want to ruin it.

You know...this whole world is very strange. You start as a child thriving off the basic need to survive, you grow to learn how special you are and how you should never change a thing. Then you start to go to school and you have to change everything about yourself. Next thing you know the same people who told you not to change want to change more things about you so you're 'acceptable.' Then after school you're forced to live an outright lie. You surround yourself with attractive people because even if they're dicks they're attractive...so that's okay! They don't need to develop personality cause they've got a flat stomach and big tits or hair that naturally curves to the side and some good pickup lines.  I mean seriously, we go into a job interview to kiss some stranger's ass saying how excited we are for the opportunity. Then if we get the job to pay the bills that are slowly over stuffing our mailboxes, you have to pretend you like it. All the while watching movies and show or reading books about people who stood up for what they believed in and while they all became big heroes you know that you can't even try. You go to work stepping on glass in hopes that you can stay where you are to be miserable so that hopefully you can make rent this month. Meanwhile you go home and you can't even enjoy where you live because so many fucking things are going on. And no one gives a damn because either one: they love you but they're head is about to explode with other things, or two they're your boss or someone else so they think they're above you and that your life doesn't matter. Then finally when you can't walk your not tied to a desk to 'enjoy life' in front of a TV, watching shows and praying to go your social security isn't being spent on some 'big agenda' that doesn't concern you or a hooker for a big CEO who owns a whole town or something. I mean what the fuck are we doing to ourselves in this country? I was just looking through my old myspace messages from 2005, what the FUCK was wrong with me? I just randomly messaged a billion pretty people and instead of being intelligent and trying to make friends with them I was like "You're pretty, marry me." How fucking shallow is that? Why can't everyone be judged on who they are instead of their looks, or their money, or hell a promotion. I sometimes just wish that this whole damn world would shut down so that rich people couldn't get their money, and pretty people couldn't have fat sucked out of their ass and put in their eye. I mean what would happen if there was nothing in this world to do but talk to other people. Or hey, how about one day where people couldn't lie? Has anyone else noticed that when you walk down the hall and say 'Hi how are you?' they just ask the same question? Hell some people don't even answer!
     I don't know what's wrong with me tonight...I mean other then my being sick and being scared that I'm going to get fired for calling off even though my job drives me completely crazy and my health would prolly be a lot better if I wasn't worrying about lay offs and commits. I mean if I lost my job that would be it, it would be over! My job is...important to my family because it lets us pay bills and buy a basket of groceries that comes out to like 60 bucks or 40 bucks worth of gas in the car for a week, or 100 so I can have lights on in my house. I mean...why is it so impossible for people to get a break? My lasty vacation was two weeks in a hospital. It was the best thing ever in some ways, how pathetic is that? I didn't have to worry about driving anywhere or paying  (Well not until I got out) a million bucks for a room and dinner. I didn't have to answer my phone or check in every morning to make sure everything for work was set up okay. I mean the pain killer was an added bonus that wouldn't be legal anywhere else and the lady constantly asking me to pray was odd....It was the first time I felt like I could relax and they were shoving needles in my arms like 4 or 5 times a day. Why does everything have to be so hard? Everyone says that life is too short to be angry, or hold a grudge but apparently it's long enough to make yourself completely miserable. It's long enough to drive yourself so nuts that you drive to work and you don't even think. Or walk down the hallway having a conversation and not even remember it when you got back to the room.
     Maybe it's because I miss people...People that I used to see all the time and talk to all the time and now it's like they don't exist. Or seeing people that I love like my family and realizing it's been two or three years since I've talked to them. Then when I finally get the chance to I can't because we don't know anything about each other anymore. Is this how things are supposed to be? Everyone just goes off into their own corner and we meet up every once in a while to make sure we're still alive? I love these people so much...Maybe that's why I blank myself out. It has to be defense. It hurts so bad...I'm starting to think it's all my fault. I mean it has to be for so many people to be just vanishing. Then I feel guilty for feeling that way because I have Chris...and he's wonderful. I love him so much and I know that a lot of people spent a lot longer looking for the love of their life then I did. Does that mean that I have to let the other people go? If so, then why? Yeah we're poor as shit right now and I can't go many places and I can't buy people presents or show up on a whim.I just ...I don't get it.
     And to the people I do talk to, please don't take this the wrong way. I love all my friends....and maybe I'm just shaken because one of my very good friends was in a car accident, but she's okay, and the baby is okay so why...why all this? There's just so much going on right now that I'm so upset all the time... I have my Nana being so sick...and everyone saying she's not going to be around much longer and when people talk about it I can't even respond. And when I saw my mother crying when my older cousin got married because she lost her sister you just have to step back and wonder what the fuck is going on. Every single person at all four of their weddings, every time the girls dance with their dad to a Beatles song my heart just breaks. I know that they're remembering her and that they love her, but there's just something about it... When Robert danced with his twin because his mother couldn't be there, it was heartbreaking. There was just..something about it. I used to think I wanted to be remembered like that but then I think of how many people cry, and my mom...how she always tries to hold back and I can't help but not want to hurt people like that when I go. And it's worse cause I'm really sick, and it seems like I can't even take the time to try to make myself better because I'm constantly running.I finally got to where I wanted to be...I have my own place, and a great fiance, my own car, a job...I pretty much fend for myself, but I haven't felt this upset since I was 16. I guess I'm just overloaded...Least I can always write to let some of the pressure out.